Tuesday, 15 February 2011


Many times I wished that the mind can do the blogging replacing the need to type things out. But until such ability exists I will just have to make time to write a post.

January 2011 has been a very challenging month for me. It was not the finances or the mood dip after the Christmas and New Year holidays, or void that my family left since their visit.

I would so love to indulge you with my woes but I will spare you the details.

All I know was that many times my secondary school Chemistry teacher's famous words of "don't ask and just accept" reminded me that is how life can be.

It was hard to accept the things that you are not convinced were necessary; or that you know was wrong; or that when you speak up it seems no one is listening. Those were the times when you wished you did not say anything. But then you (or in this case I) struggled.

I struggled because my mind was fighting with itself.

Do this, but it is not acceptable.

Don't do this, and you can't accept that decision or that is not how you work.

Is it better to be that person who just sit quietly there and show no emotions of agree or disagree? Which then makes that either this person does not care or the go with the flow person? And when he/she disappears from the scene everyone is shocked because he/she has been an OK-(wo)man? Or maybe no one even noticed?

Anyways, the constant fighting and (close to literally) head banging onto the wall drove my stress levels up and perhaps at some point I was depressed.

I don't know who to trust or who to say anything to. I even become sceptical about the support that is available. The ones that I lean on when I need them, they all seem so far away.

I was emotional, and I was mind and emotionally tired.

I was here but I wasn't here.

I was lost and would rather be away than facing reality.

Now, I am not sure how I manage to escape those thoughts at the moment. So far I am ok when I don't have to deal with certain situations or maybe even certain people. But you can only run so far and fight so much, eventually you will have to face it and deal with it.

As cliché as it sounds that it is all about "attitude", I would like a big spoonful of that to keep me going.

Until then, let me enjoy the low fighting days and thank you for your patience in this undoubtedly negative post.

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