taking the bull by its horns

If life throws you a lemon
- make lemonade. (Joan Collins)

These two days had been a classic fretting and flapping days (what's new?). And as usual when things like this happens, I get absolutely, totally emotional. I guess I just hate what I don't know coming to me.

Fear. It is one of the biggest element in my life that I dare admit always hold me back. In whatever way possible.

Disappointment. This is another element that has been one big roadblock. Funnily now with my calm (exceptionally calm state) I can tell you this.

Being an expressive person, I do find problems expressing myself - many times. Yes, even expressive people have expression block (?).

I guess when you want to be diplomatic, when you don't want to cause unnecessary hurt to others (which most of the time is not required), when you know that it is not right to say or do something even though the other person doesn't know, when you know that it is wrong to even think about it, this is the kind of sticky situation you get it. Or the kind of sticky situation I get in.

Then I will struggle with myself. Kicking myself. Beating myself up. Until no end. Until a long time. Until... probably forever.

The only time I can be totally honest with someone, is when I know that that person can take it. That person is ready to get hold in whatever situation they can.

I'm not saying that I lie to people who I think they may not be able to take it. I know I may be wrong but this is my struggle. I don't want to hurt people as well. I don't lie to them but I just handle the situation differently.

Diplomacy. That's what I had been taught. It's not easy.

But I guess without diplomacy there will be war everywhere on the earth. Not that there isn't just now.

Anyways...

TS once told me that I'm disappointed with friends. I guess there is some element of truth in it.

Okay, there is quite a big element of truth in it.

Just because time and again I give the extra mile (whenever I can) I always expect others to do the same (it's just human nature). And when I don't get it, I flap my blaardie wings around, fret about, get all nonesensical emotional, which, most of the time doesn't solve any problems. Or situation, mind you!

But I'm glad, this morning after my usual dose of emotional let outs, crying in layman's term (Yes, I know I'm a baby), I sort of got to my senses. What's new?! Goodness!

Life's not easy.

But it is not difficult as well.

Shouldn't resist too much that is being thrown at me. Shouldn't fight too much that when face with.

Wait a minute... that is so ironic!

Not long ago, I blame myself for not fighting. For not standing up to myself. What am I saying here?

But I don't deny that sometimes the best things happen when you let it flow. When you go with the flow.

Man! I sound so condescending (that is if I'm using the word correctly).

Condescending myself! Ouch!

Time and again, I just have to make my life more complicated than it is. But one thing my travels (and expenditures) in the past month(s) has thought me, is that if you have money, everything is possible. Or in my case, if you have credit card, with a limit that has just been increased to more than what you really need... (I'm not complaining, as much as I am trying my very best not to overspend and clock up debt before I even get my first pay...) everything is possible.

Everything at the end of the day is money.

I. Just. Need. To. Stay. Calm.

butterfly kisses

Butterfly kisses for you babes. Happy birthday! xx

sundays are made like this

I survived the farewell.

It's not as dramatic as I hope it would have been. Probably my fault for not making a big announcement. But hey, small fry, small goodbye?

That's just life.

After all I'm a drama princess and I crave for attention(?!).

I had a great night out. Great location: Prince of Wales. Great people: Surrounded by my best friend and closest friends. Man! I'm gonna miss those people. But as good friends go, I do hope that we keep in touch. It's not really easy but an effort definitely well worth it.

Somehow, again, it's funny that you become close to people when you are leaving. Sigh...

Why?

Anyways, waking up today I realised and was kicking meself to no end, that I didn't took any pics last night. Urrrggghh.. SO TYPICAL!!!

*kick kick kick...*
*kick kick kick...*

Sigh...

There is this weird feeling. What is going to happen now? What am I going to do from now? The feeling of lost and fear somehow was slowly sinking in.

But...

In the mean time, let me enjoy this Sunday.

After falling in and out of sleep, chasing various dreams, I finally opened my eyes, snuggling in bed, texting. Yup, what a way to spend Sunday mornings.

Took me a while to decide what to do. But I'm glad, I finally(!) got my hair coloured, had a bit of facial, cooked my version of stovies, cleaned the flat a bit and then vegetate in front of the computer.

Sundays should definitely be made like this. Bliss!

Of course, how can I deny myself some fine retail therapy? Damn internet shopping! Must. Control. I'm so needing to control myself.

Still kicking...

overwhelmed

The thought of leaving the company has slowly crept up on me.

Yesterday I was on the verge of crying since some of them has already started saying goodbyes to me. I was thinking oh no... I may not be able to do this today.

The company. Once my favourite place work place. Yes yes... I know sad case. But truth be, I loved it so much in 2003 that in 2005 there wasn't a shadow of doubt to return to work here. Of course, things change but it was good to see familiar faces.

Forward time to now, it's twenty months since. There are just too much memories here.

I found my best friend.

I found the love of my life (yes I can hear you snigger!).

I found close friends.

I met some nice people. And not forgetting nasty ones too!

I found a new addiction of all things M&S.

It's not going to be easy. But a change is required.

It's going to be a journey. A new and exciting one.

Yet somehow I'm afraid.

Am I?

What's holding me back now??

drained

I'm so drained.

I'm trying to change my sleeping pattern. And it has not been very successful.

#1: As much as I want to sleep earlier but I don't do it. Another case of the want and action does not tally. Even if I do sleep early, I end up waking up late. Or a case of waking up, look at the clock, go back to sleep.

#2: I'm not sure is it because I had been thinking too much. Adding the usual unnecessary stress to my already complicated and chaotic life. Why do I still do it? Urrrggghhh!

#3: Maybe I had been doing too much in too little time.

#4: Maybe I need to change my diet as TS commented that a good diet will lead to a healty and better life.

#5: Maybe I just need some time out. I will get a lot of this from Sunday onwards, until... until the time comes.

***

I love my roadtrips. And I had the chance of another roadtrip last weekend, playing tour guide to my Aunt's friend from Adelaide, who was on a round the world trip.

So 590 miles in three days. Which one day includes a 270 miles return trip in a day to see the client of my new job.

Day 1: Royal Deeside
Cambus O'May Suspension Bridge-Ballater-Balmoral Castle-Braemar

View from Cambus O'May Suspension bridge of Deeside

'By Royal Appointment' crests located on many shop fronts in Ballater. The town which provides Balmoral Castle most of their essentials.

Balmoral Castle. The Royal family's summer holiday home.

Day 2: Aberdeen-St. Andrews via Coastal Trail
Aberdeen-Stonehaven-Arbroath-Carnoustie(Scottish Open Weekend)-Dundee-St. Andrews

Arbroath Abbey

Dog Driver!

St. Andrews

Day 3: Aberdeen-Livingston
Aberdeen-Livingston-Dundee

the ride of life

I would like to thank all who sent me birthday wishes.

Had been quite busy the past few days. Was introduced this song which fits just right at this time!



Trip Around the Sun by Jimmy Buffet and Martina McBride

Here I’m singin’ happy birthday
Better think about the about the wish I make
This year gone by ain’t been a piece of cake
Everyday’s a revolution
Pull it together and it comes undone
Just one more candle and a trip around the sun

I’m just hangin’ on while this old world keeps spinning
And it’s good to know it’s out of my control
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from all this livin’
Is that it wouldn’t change a thing if I let go

No you never see it comin’
Always wind up wonderin’ where it went
Only time will tell if it was time well spent
It’s another revelation
Celebrating what I should have done
With these souvenirs of my trip around the sun

I’m just hangin’ on while this old world keeps spinning
And it’s good to know it’s out of my control
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from all this livin’
Is that it wouldn’t change a thing if I let go

Yes I’ll make a resolution
That I’ll never make another one
Just enjoy this ride on my trip around the sun
Just enjoy this ride ..... until it's done

me birthday!!!

Finally!

I had been secretly counting down to my birthday. It does help when you’ve got Waterstones counting down with you because of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”.

I’m sure there must be a queue outside Waterstones and Asda for the book. Also there is a Potter Party in Starbucks!

There are certain dates/events that are of major importance to me: my birthday, my other half’s birthday, Valentine’s Day, Christmas and anniversaries.

Check out my personalised birthday card! How cool is that! And it came a few weeks early as well. Thanks A.Iris for the birthday card too!

After much thought, I have planned not to have a birthday party/gathering. I had been rather busy lately, not forgetting this weekend as well. So I haven’t really put much effort into planning. Well, I did give it a lot of thought though. ;P

Anyways, I had been reflecting on the things that I’ve done, would have done, could have done and things that I am looking forward to doing. And I realised that one of the biggest adventure of my life is just about to begin.

So adding on another year into the age pool, I am looking forward to this big adventure. With it, there are just so many things that I am thinking of doing and trying to put all my wants and dreams into reality. There seems to be no better time than now.

I’m actually burning with excitement!!!

Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw

He said I was in my early forties
With a lot of life before me
When a moment came that stopped me on a dime
And I spent most of the next days
Looking at the x-rays
And talking 'bout the options, talking 'bout sweet time
And I asked him when it sank in
That this might really be the real end
How's it hit ya' when you get that kind of news
Man, what'd you do (he said)

C H O R U S
I went sky diving I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fumanchu
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
And he said some day I hope you get a chance
To live like you were dying

He said I was finally the husband
That most the time I wasn't
And I became a friend a friend would like to have
And all 'a sudden going fishin'
Wasn't such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad
And I finally read the good book
And I took a good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again...and then

C H O R U S

Like tomorrow was a gift
And you've got eternity to think about what you did with it
What you did with it...what did I do with it
What would I do with it

C H O R U S


Happy Birthday ennazus! xx