Tuesday, 31 July 2007

taking the bull by its horns

If life throws you a lemon
- make lemonade. (Joan Collins)

These two days had been a classic fretting and flapping days (what's new?). And as usual when things like this happens, I get absolutely, totally emotional. I guess I just hate what I don't know coming to me.

Fear. It is one of the biggest element in my life that I dare admit always hold me back. In whatever way possible.

Disappointment. This is another element that has been one big roadblock. Funnily now with my calm (exceptionally calm state) I can tell you this.

Being an expressive person, I do find problems expressing myself - many times. Yes, even expressive people have expression block (?).

I guess when you want to be diplomatic, when you don't want to cause unnecessary hurt to others (which most of the time is not required), when you know that it is not right to say or do something even though the other person doesn't know, when you know that it is wrong to even think about it, this is the kind of sticky situation you get it. Or the kind of sticky situation I get in.

Then I will struggle with myself. Kicking myself. Beating myself up. Until no end. Until a long time. Until... probably forever.

The only time I can be totally honest with someone, is when I know that that person can take it. That person is ready to get hold in whatever situation they can.

I'm not saying that I lie to people who I think they may not be able to take it. I know I may be wrong but this is my struggle. I don't want to hurt people as well. I don't lie to them but I just handle the situation differently.

Diplomacy. That's what I had been taught. It's not easy.

But I guess without diplomacy there will be war everywhere on the earth. Not that there isn't just now.

Anyways...

TS once told me that I'm disappointed with friends. I guess there is some element of truth in it.

Okay, there is quite a big element of truth in it.

Just because time and again I give the extra mile (whenever I can) I always expect others to do the same (it's just human nature). And when I don't get it, I flap my blaardie wings around, fret about, get all nonesensical emotional, which, most of the time doesn't solve any problems. Or situation, mind you!

But I'm glad, this morning after my usual dose of emotional let outs, crying in layman's term (Yes, I know I'm a baby), I sort of got to my senses. What's new?! Goodness!

Life's not easy.

But it is not difficult as well.

Shouldn't resist too much that is being thrown at me. Shouldn't fight too much that when face with.

Wait a minute... that is so ironic!

Not long ago, I blame myself for not fighting. For not standing up to myself. What am I saying here?

But I don't deny that sometimes the best things happen when you let it flow. When you go with the flow.

Man! I sound so condescending (that is if I'm using the word correctly).

Condescending myself! Ouch!

Time and again, I just have to make my life more complicated than it is. But one thing my travels (and expenditures) in the past month(s) has thought me, is that if you have money, everything is possible. Or in my case, if you have credit card, with a limit that has just been increased to more than what you really need... (I'm not complaining, as much as I am trying my very best not to overspend and clock up debt before I even get my first pay...) everything is possible.

Everything at the end of the day is money.

I. Just. Need. To. Stay. Calm.

2 comments:

magmag said...

Diplomacy. Emo. Money. Emo. No Money. Even more emo.

I know what you mean.

*EMO* -_-

Suzanne said...

Now need to play emo songs to compliment the whole experience. -_-"