p-effing-m-s

Only God knows what I've been through the last few days. I myself am still quite gobsmacked by the whole experience.

In my last post I was in a frenzy - mental!! And all frenzy turned into panic attack then major breakdown. I don't even know what the hell was happening. Floodgates just burst and I become extremely emotional.

I did suspected it. There were too many signs. Still I wasn't sure. Who am I kidding anyway?

The only way to stop the crying was sleep. But I was still crying/tearing. Even with my eyes closed!!! I reached to the point that I don't even know why I was crying? Goodness!

Every little things seemed so big a deal. Everything was just so overwhelming.

I thought I was depressed. I wanted to just go and see the doctor to have him/her to sign me off work a week. I wanted to just stay home and not speak to anyone. Maybe continue crying(?) But everyone including myself know better that its not going solve what I am going through.

I wanted to go home. But again, its not going to solve anything. And its going to break the bank. And I know I will regret it.

I wanted to eat. I could eat a horse to feed this emotional rollercoaster I was on. But I know better again, I've been there. That once I start, I might just not stop. And that again, its not going to solve the problem. So I stop eating. I didn't want to eat. I just didn't have the appetite either.

I concluded I had a nervous breakdown. Was it even really that?

Jelly seemed to be the one thing that I perceived will solve my problems. It is the one thing I crave for. It will save the world! It will save MY WORLD!!!

So I had jelly for almost every meal. Only jelly - breakfast, lunch, dinner, whenever! And when I finally could take it no more, eating jelly does not fill you, mind you, and I know that; so... I had a packet of crisps.

I never had such an experience in my entire life! Dawn said it was hormones. And chocolates will help - I should eat all the chocs until I can't eat no more. Right...

She said it was age. But I don't want to grow old!!! I've always wanted to be a Toy 'R Us Kid!!! If you are as old as me, you will remember that jingle...

I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R' Us kid. There's a million toys to choose from, that I can play with. From bikes to trikes and video games, its the biggest toy store there is. GEE WIZ! I don't wanna grow up, cuz baby if I did....I wouldn't be a Toys 'R us kid!

Okay, so my parents never made me a Toys 'R Us kid... *Bleah* Don't think we even came close to visiting the place more than 10 times in my childhood.

SH said I should eat. So being the good gf that I should be... I went to get myself: a large cheesy finger fondue half pepperoni feast (mah favourite!) and half hawaiian delight pizza and bbq chicken wings. My goal: I'm going feed my face. The very route that I didn't want to go down in the first place somehow is happening... *Yikes!*

So the plan: large pizza, chicken wings, whole tub of ice cream (choice: between strawberries and cream or maple syrup and walnut), chocolates and wine that I can stuff myself with. I know myself how much I can eat and the very reason I stay off food was just that. 'Cos its not going to solve my problems and its going to make me feel bad about myself.

The damage: half of the pizza, all of the wings and half bottle of Torresoto Unwooded White Rioja. I didn't feel good. So pineapple jelly came to my rescue and I had some mint flavoured pitted dried plums before I turned myself in to bed.

I think I will stick to my jelly diet until I cannot eat no more of it.

Until my appetite returns.

Until I go over this period (mind the pun!)

Don't worry, I will eat when I can (I'm still looking forward to the sushi meal tomorrow).

I hope I don't have to go through this again. I don't want to go through this again!

I think I need help!!!