scrutinise

The season of Big Brother is upon us again.

The reality program that has cameras on contestants 24 hours a day for 14 weeks. Of course, who can deny these people their 14 weeks of fame (at least for those who are lucky enough to stay for so long)?

I bet almost the whole of UK stayed glued to their idiot boxes at 9pm tonight. So far its been an all women house.

Lets wait and see...

epic adventure

Ever since I found out that Pixar will be holding its 20 years exhibition in Scotland, I knew I wanted to go and see it. So I spoke to SH about it in March and we said we will go and see it. However, being the busy people we are (yeah right!) we never really make time for it.

So I said to The Shrink that come Tuesday when both of us are off we should make it our little trip. But alas! The exhibition is to end on Monday. So I was told to 'Go Alone. Yup, you should definitely go.' I was like 'what?!'

After some contemplation, I decided in a spur of the moment (sort of) on Saturday to go down to Edinburgh on a missions trip: to see the Pixar exhibition! Came home after work on Saturday and went to check out if the National Museum of Scotland (NMS) was opened on a Sunday or not. Lo and behold, they do! But I was confused whether it opened at 10am or 12noon.

Anyhows, I couldn't book any bus ticket online since it was passed 1am (on Saturday night). Quick check at the timetable and jot down the times as well as a quick look at where the museum was located, I was very certain that I am going.

Went to bed almost 2am but was so excited by my trip that I couldn't sleep (great!). Who knows only to stirred before 5am this morning! I want sleep!!!

Finally after a little more shut eyes, I got up and got ready. Armed with my handbag (that I am so loving to bits!!!) loaded with that paper I scribbled the bus times, a wee map of Edinburgh, my new book, packet of juice, bar of chocolate, my MD player with two discs, I was on my way to the bus station to catch the 735am bus. Yup, it was early alright.

The sun was pouring into the flat through the window only to be greeted with showers when I open the front door. Hmm... is this a good or bad sign?

No, I'm not going to let some rain stop me from my adventure!

When I arrived at the bus station, the ticketing office was not open and only the London bound bus was there.

Me, having never taken an intercity bus for as long as I have lived on this island was told by the bus driver that I should really book a ticket since its the weekend and busses can be really full. :( He then said he can take me to Dundee but he can't guarantee if there is a bus to Edinburgh from there or not. I was like okie... And he continued to say that I can wait for the officer to come to work at 915am and possibly take the 935am bus which means I would arrived in Edinburgh at 1240pm instead of 1040am. :'(

So I sat down at the seats. Whipped out my phone and frantically trying to book online (through the phone) as well as to find a contact number to call to purchase tickets but I can't get what I wanted and I couldn't imagine myself sitting idling a few more hours wasting time.

Somehow I had to take the risk.

Went up to the bus driver just as he was almost leaving and said 'Yup, I'll come on the bus'. Got on the bus: all excited!!! I was going on a trip! An unplanned trip! A total adventure! Gosh, I was actually nervous as well.

I continued to try and find tickets for my return journey from my phone and quickly send an email to my friend Claire to let her know that I was coming, just in case (God forbid!) that I was stranded in Edinburgh, I had a place to spend the night.

To side track a little, weeks ago, I finally managed to fiddle with my phone to access internet from it. It has just been so ace! Especially trying to catch up info from my Rotaract email account on quite a few issues on numerous occasions.

There I was, thrilled on my bus trip, my first all alone bus trip to Edinburgh. Okay, not that I've never travelled on my own, just that I've always met up with someone on the other end. And possibly its been too long since I travelled. My only agenda was to see the Pixar exhibition. Okay, and maybe some shopping. As I gazed out the window I am comforted to see the rainbow and take it as a sign as everything will be just fine.

Arriving Dundee I had to change bus for Edinburgh. Again, I got told off by the bus driver that I should really book a seat during the weekend. He sold me a return ticket (since the last driver as me to pay this guy) and off I am on my second leg of my journey.

I can't help thinking of what both drivers said to me. The fear and disappointment that they instill. I can understand that they are trying to protect themselves and myself, as well as the bus company, just because I didn't book doesn't mean the company has to provide me with a seat. And it makes me wonder how often in our lives we say to others 'I dare not promise you... but you may or may not get what you want...' even before anything is confirmed. I know at least in my line of work, I do have to tell my customers this at least a few times in a week.

As the bus drives through the familiar sights from my numbered drivings or journeys to Edinburgh: the Forth Rail Bridge, the Forth Road Bridge, and the roads leading to Edinburgh city centre; my thoughts go back to my very first time to Edinburgh. It was love at first sight!

I was there to attend a free church weekend gathering. We arrived late in the evening when the city lights came on. Maybe it was the hustle and bustle of the busy city - it reminded me of KL. Maybe it was the beautifully lit castle sitting on the rock (later I found out the rock used to be a volcano eons ago). Maybe it was the yellow sandstone on the buildings. Maybe it was the greens in the city. But for whatever the reason, I knew at that point: I loved Edinburgh!

Arriving in the city I love so much I had to grab some grub. Quick bite at McDs (its been a long time since I last had one, too long) and off I go to my destination: The National Museum!!! Funny as I was walking there I was walking in a place that seemed somehow too familiar to me. My feet just brought me to my destination. No maps. No hesitation. Home? I wonder...

The exibition was great! And I had a good browse of it. I'm very impressed with the rest of the exhibits in the museum as well. Not forgetting the new wing of the museum as well. The architecture, the design, the natural lighting, the sights, everything!

After the museum, I had a stroll down the Royal Mile. Along the way, I stopped at the Museum of Childhood, which I had always wanted to visit. I then continued my journey down the Mile. This time I was met with the Scottish Parliament and The Holyrood Palace, both places I've never been to after my numerous trips here. But nonetheless I've finally made it. Sadly I only met with the entrance of it since it was closed. Another missions trip?!

Then it was shopping and sitting in the sun before I knew it I was just so tired, due to the fact that I need sleep! Claire gave me a text to said that she will come and meet me. It was really funny 'cos we've actually not met before but exchanged daily emails for the past two weeks. My phone was dying after all that jabbing earlier in the day.

So I waited for her and later her friend Barry. Although it was a short meeting but it was great! Claire is a really nice gurl. Maybe I'll blog about her in another post and when I get to know her more as well.

It was not long before it was time for me to catch the bus home. We went to the bus station only to find that the bus I had to take was full! Panic attack ensued. I was told that I can get the next bus to Perth and then to Dundee and then to Aberdeen. Okay, so I stood in line for the bus. But then what if I can't get a bus to Aberdeen? Panic. Panic!

I was running between the queue of boarding the bus and the queue of booking a ticket, confirming my seat.

I had to do something. So I went to the ticket desk and ask them to book me a seat to Aberdeen. Only to find out that the day return ticket I got from the second driver only gives me a return to Dundee and not Aberdeen. Great! Well, I got the Aberdeen to Dundee leg free, I guess. So I paid for the booking fees and the Dundee to Aberdeen leg.

So there I was, sitting waiting for the 2050 bus. A text message came through and just that very moment my phone died. Drained of all its juices. Oh no! Who knows that I am out here? What if I didn't get to get a seat to go home? What if I really got stranded here? In Edinburgh? What about in Dundee? What is going to happen? Does anyone care? No one knows that I'm making this trip. (Well, I now realised that The Shrink and my friend Mark knows my intention but honestly, no one knew I was here. Okay except for Claire.) Of course, the drama princess in me have to fuss about this all. What to do?!

So, after more waiting and reading. I was off home. Holding the ticket, I was actually glad that I didn't have to stand aside and wait if there are anymore seats left so only I can get on the bus. After crossing the Forth Road Bridge, I dozed off. I changed bus in Dundee. It was so cold!!! Of course after boarding the bus onwards to Aberdeen I couldn't fall asleep anymore. So I read more.

Finally reached Aberdeen at midnight. After putting my phone to charge I read the message that I received. It was from The Shrink. He asked if I managed to go and see the exhibition. And I told him I almost got stranded. But thanks to him, I had a great time today!

I think this is a long enough blog and I will blog later about my firsts in this trip as well as the lessons that I've learnt.

All I want to do is to shower and go to sleep. But how can I resist not to blog this?

all in a week

Recent events had made me lazy to blog.

Maybe it was because I was just too tired.

Maybe it was because I couldn't be bothered.

Maybe it was because I had too much on my mind.

All the more reasons for me to blog!

So what did I do for my week? hmm...

Sunday

Went to church. Did a little shopping. Prepared for sushi dinner. Had a great time with Chic Chick, her other half and The Shrink. We were stuffed and the gang had a good time. Served them grass jelly for dessert (more jelly!). Luckily they liked it. Can't believed we went through 3 bottles of bucks fizz in a really short time. Sadly I didn't have more (bottles). And we also went through a bottle of Cava.

Too bad didn't take any pics. Should be more spontanous in taking pics. The spread was just ace!

Since I don't have a proper dinning table, we had our meals on the picnic blanket in the middle of the living room.

Monday

Beautiful day. Work early morning 8am. Only went to bed at 2am the night before. Was a little zombied. Finish work at 2pm. Came home from work and curled in bed reading my new book 'God on Mute' until I cannot read no more and then sleep. What a sad way to spend a lovely day in bed. But what to do, I was so knackered.

So I sleep and sleep and sleep - okie, I actually sleep and wake up, look at the time, go back to sleep and wake up, look at the time, repeating the cycle until it was morning the next day!

Waaahahahaahahaha... tell me how many of you ever did that! Okie I know it was just pure indulgence.

Tuesday

Hang out at home. Online, what else?! Chatting and catch up on stuff. Went to see the doctor. Went shopping. Then to Rotaract meeting.

What else to expect, the usual fellowship and catching up after meetings, which includes drinks. Four vodka coke and one pint Kronenberg blanc. Went home late.

Wednesday

Work. How colourful!

Thursday

Work. Early morning again. 8am to 5pm. Hang out with The Shrink. Had a bottle of Magners. My first Baskin Robbins in UK. Good walk around the West End. Me breaking the silence of the quiet evening.

Online. By 11pm I had to turn in to bed. I just couldn't go on anymore.

Friday

Bought my big gurl investment. I need to wait for 13 weeks. Why is life all about waiting???!!! Work. Home. Online.


Going to bed now... had enough!

wedding invitation

I received a wedding invitation in the post today.

So nice to go through the pile of mails and receive something in the post that is not bills, junk mails, flyers or other people's mail.

Although I won't be able to attend the wedding

(as much as I would love to)

I still appreciate the invitation and the card!

So I am going to keep your invitation.

And hope that I get to be invited to more weddings

(with the intention of going to as many as possible).

I don't think it is depressing to see others getting married.

I only feel happy for them.

Funny how we always read that weddings makes single people feel depressed.

Hey, its about the happy couple not you!

Anyways, to my good friend Azliza, wishing you and Amir...

...Joy in sharing the love of a lifetime,

in sharing a lifetime of love.

p-effing-m-s

Only God knows what I've been through the last few days. I myself am still quite gobsmacked by the whole experience.

In my last post I was in a frenzy - mental!! And all frenzy turned into panic attack then major breakdown. I don't even know what the hell was happening. Floodgates just burst and I become extremely emotional.

I did suspected it. There were too many signs. Still I wasn't sure. Who am I kidding anyway?

The only way to stop the crying was sleep. But I was still crying/tearing. Even with my eyes closed!!! I reached to the point that I don't even know why I was crying? Goodness!

Every little things seemed so big a deal. Everything was just so overwhelming.

I thought I was depressed. I wanted to just go and see the doctor to have him/her to sign me off work a week. I wanted to just stay home and not speak to anyone. Maybe continue crying(?) But everyone including myself know better that its not going solve what I am going through.

I wanted to go home. But again, its not going to solve anything. And its going to break the bank. And I know I will regret it.

I wanted to eat. I could eat a horse to feed this emotional rollercoaster I was on. But I know better again, I've been there. That once I start, I might just not stop. And that again, its not going to solve the problem. So I stop eating. I didn't want to eat. I just didn't have the appetite either.

I concluded I had a nervous breakdown. Was it even really that?

Jelly seemed to be the one thing that I perceived will solve my problems. It is the one thing I crave for. It will save the world! It will save MY WORLD!!!

So I had jelly for almost every meal. Only jelly - breakfast, lunch, dinner, whenever! And when I finally could take it no more, eating jelly does not fill you, mind you, and I know that; so... I had a packet of crisps.

I never had such an experience in my entire life! Dawn said it was hormones. And chocolates will help - I should eat all the chocs until I can't eat no more. Right...

She said it was age. But I don't want to grow old!!! I've always wanted to be a Toy 'R Us Kid!!! If you are as old as me, you will remember that jingle...

I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R' Us kid. There's a million toys to choose from, that I can play with. From bikes to trikes and video games, its the biggest toy store there is. GEE WIZ! I don't wanna grow up, cuz baby if I did....I wouldn't be a Toys 'R us kid!

Okay, so my parents never made me a Toys 'R Us kid... *Bleah* Don't think we even came close to visiting the place more than 10 times in my childhood.

SH said I should eat. So being the good gf that I should be... I went to get myself: a large cheesy finger fondue half pepperoni feast (mah favourite!) and half hawaiian delight pizza and bbq chicken wings. My goal: I'm going feed my face. The very route that I didn't want to go down in the first place somehow is happening... *Yikes!*

So the plan: large pizza, chicken wings, whole tub of ice cream (choice: between strawberries and cream or maple syrup and walnut), chocolates and wine that I can stuff myself with. I know myself how much I can eat and the very reason I stay off food was just that. 'Cos its not going to solve my problems and its going to make me feel bad about myself.

The damage: half of the pizza, all of the wings and half bottle of Torresoto Unwooded White Rioja. I didn't feel good. So pineapple jelly came to my rescue and I had some mint flavoured pitted dried plums before I turned myself in to bed.

I think I will stick to my jelly diet until I cannot eat no more of it.

Until my appetite returns.

Until I go over this period (mind the pun!)

Don't worry, I will eat when I can (I'm still looking forward to the sushi meal tomorrow).

I hope I don't have to go through this again. I don't want to go through this again!

I think I need help!!!

longing and closure

I've been searching high and low. Everywhere. I'm looking for the comfort to cheer me up.

Where is it? Where has it gone to? Lost forever? Where are YOU??!! Its missing!!!

I wonder if Horace will be able to give the comfort that I am wanting or searching?

The Shrink must be thinking 'oh no! here she goes again... Possibly need to book her in for another session(?)' Naaah, The Shrink wouldn't think that. Would you? Naaah... By the way, Chic Chick said she saw you today (Wednesday) with your cute curly hair and numbed jaw... you poor soul! Looking forward to see you both this weekend. Wait, can't wait to see you both at work!

Weekend... I am sooo looking forward to it. Its going to be busy. Jennifer Y's last day and we're going for a meal and drinks. Hope it will be good. Recovering from it on Sunday, I will be doing my Sunday rituals and we're having our dinner!!! Well, or 'tea' as they call it here. Hope Barney is free and coming over. Its going to be a great night of good fellowship and conversations!!! Not going to think about Monday morning work. *groan...*

What's with dreams anyways? Can't a person have a good night rest? Okay, we always hope the good dreams doesn't end but it always does, somehow someway. But dreaming always makes you feel tired when you wake up.

Does dreams really mean something? A sign? An omen?

Urgh... I need closure!

I know this post is very jumbled up. Just like my mind.

I need closure on so many things! When is it going to happen? No.. no.. I can't rush it. Patience... Hold my tongue. Hold my fingers. Stop me from doing anything crazeeee...

Somehow there will be someone who can see through us but we always can't seem to reach to closure point. To accept what it is, what it really is. And to move on or do what we need to do.

Sigh... Why is everything so hard?

I better go to bed anyways. Didn't realised the time is already 4am?!

Maybe closure and longing is in bed. In my dreams. And it has been waiting for me.

mother's day

Mom drop me a line (actually a few) and told me she had a great mother's day. Am so happy for her - she's so blessed!

Her children stand and bless her.

PROVERBS 31:28

Wishing you many blessings throughout the year! xx

another year older

Happy Birthday Su-Anne!!!

Another year older, possibly another year wiser? :P

Hope you have a great birthday! Missing you loads!

When are you coming to visit me?!!

british food

The great British food - Beef Wellington!


It took me a long while before I tried this dish, coz its not a cheap dish. As many who know me, I love to eat eat eat! Dawn say that I need to 'feed my face'. Yup! Can't deny that.

Anyways, had beef wellington and British purple asparagus for dinner tonight. Oh... they are so yummy!!!

Had the asparagus raw: they were so crunchy, fresh and sweet! Oooh... can't stop thinking about it. The beef was equally nice and medium, very juicy and tender. So stuffed!

By the way, do you know how does an asparagus grow? Apparently asparagus is a very healthy food, in fact it is a superfood!

Now, you learn something new today!

the green issue

Its almost half year and all you heard probably in the past six months or so was green issues, recycling, conservation, sustainability, environment, carbon footprint and la-di-la. Suddenly all these jargon that most of us probably seen in an architecture textbook or possibly never heard of are all over the media.

I'm not saying that it is not a good thing that people are aware of it. But somehow isn't it a little too late or... possibly better late than never? But then again, is it not more important that we action it than to speak about it? I wonder...

You see: supermarkets providing 'bag for life', Vanity Fair with its Green Issue, and BMW with its Hydrogen 7 car. What would we think about next?

The irony of it...

Have you ever noticed that in order to highlight green awareness, we spend more on printing beautiful, glossy leaflets or posters?

Somehow the numbers of junk mail through the post seems to increase and litter all over the hallway.

While being encouraged to use reusable bags or 'bag for life', we put our shopping into a normal carrier bag and then into these reusable bags?

We try to separate our rubbish but to throw them away we need to drive to the nearest recycling area which is 5 minutes by car?

To encourage people to take more public transport, the cost of public transport only goes one way: upwards.

And some of its route are not the most reliable either.

Funny how it seems that people who try to make an effort seems to be punished for their efforts.

Whenever I plan to go shopping, I will bring my own bags. I live alone and whats the point of having millions of carrier bags? Although I use them as bin liners, there are still quite a number to go through. Can you imagine people buying bin liners to throw their rubbish in. What a waste of money if they haven't notice by now. Can you also imagine people who take loads of bags from the supermarket only end up throwing them out in the bin?

I try to separate my rubbish but the council decided somehow our street is not provided with kerbside collection. wtf? So I end up separating the items in the flat, and when its time to throw out, it all goes in one bag. What's the point? And the nearest recycling point is half an hour walk. Sigh...

I'm not so into the organic food thing yet. But I can't deny that Hugh Fearnley–Whittingstall plays a part on my opinion of food.

Anyways, its rather interesting that I tried out turning down washing from 40°c to 30°c, does make a big difference. I normally wash on 'mix fabrics' program which I just realised that it was 50°c and takes about an hour or slightly more than it to wash. Now that I changed it to 30°c it takes half the time and still as clean. Also noticed that the clothes dry faster compared to using 'mix fabrics'. After all most of my clothes are cotton anyway. By washing from 40°c to 30°c I can save 40% of energy, knowing that I have change from 50°c to 30°c, I'm saving even more! Lets wait and see the electric bill.

Things to do next:

# Probably change all my electrical appliances to A or A-plus energy rating. Wouldn't this cost more? Again, consumers being punished for trying.

# Switch off instead of standby. I'm not sure if I could do this, for computer yes, tv... erm...

# Use energy efficient bulbs. Hmm... what if I don't switch on as many lights? Will it help? Is it the same? Again, buying bulbs, who pay? Everyone say: CONSUMER!

# Switch the oven off 10 minutes before end of cooking? Have they not heard of uncooked food?

Oh well, there will always be lots of ways for us to conserve energy. Eventually I will find something that is more suitable for my lifestyle. In the meantime, I can only do what I can do.

craig and ally

Why is it that we only spend more time with people when they are leaving?

Craig is a colleague ex-colleague of mine. A great listener. Pulled me through many of my difficult times. For this I am ever so grateful of our friendship.

I've met Craig's partner Ally many times at work and hang out together a few times. They are one of the cutest couple I've seen or possibly ever met.

Ally got a job in Glasgow so both packed, uprooted and move down. I came in the picture to help with the packing and cleaning. Hence my cleaning streak.

Man both this gay men prove me wrong. You think that they will be the cleanest but noooo... And they know it too well. But in the end we got everything packed, clean and many things thrown out.

Anyways, had a great time with the boys. Although too much packing can cause quite a bit of harm as you can see. So does sunshine and fresh air made us giggle like children. By the way, I so love the wardrobe space. I'm so mad!

I hope you boys are settling down properly. I will be visiting once you both are settled as promised!

Oh yes, thanks for teaching me a new song 'You Can Nae Push Your Grandma Down the Stairs' (Sang to She'll be Coming 'Round the Mountain) and the sounds of food. It will always be on my mind when I walk around the aisles: the moos and the dings!

Day 1: a third of Rose
Day 2: a third of Rose, a pint of Strongbow

With all this cleaning streak, I thought I may as well do some cleaning on my day off. Did my laundry, went out to the back garden this morning and throw out the bags of rubbish that Keith and Norman left. Swept the common hallway and the basement. It was not until Ally came by the other day that I first went down the stairs to see that there are loads of storage and dust!

Oh well, its not so dusty now that I have swept probably 100 years of dust away this morning.

Now, I need to pinch some time to repot my orchids.

great sunday

I got up this morning and all I wanted to do was just to lie in.

Somehow I've taken up SH silly habit of lying in is just a little more time in bed than usual and I mean really just a little more. Long gone are the days of lying in means few hours more in bed! I don't know why I can't do it anymore?! I'm also waking up a few hours before the alarm goes off.

Anyways, I got up and then dragged myself to church. Contemplating all my way there - will I be late? Should I take the bus? Should I walk? Prance? Skip?

The deliberation was quite a waste of time anyways but I arrived at church just in time.

I try my very best to go to church as often as possible but situation will arise and excuses will be readily available.

While sitting on the pew I was thinking of how going to church back home was like routine. We will always go to church in two cars for some reason, somehow. Petrol was cheap - not! Probably we didn't understand conserving and the environment. And the time just idle away in church - worship, announcements, prayer, sermon/message, and then benediction. I know that there are times that the body is there but the mind is not. Sad but true.

Away from home, going to church really takes a different meaning. The effort of going to church is different from what we experience back home. There will always be distraction and excuses along the way. However, the time that I do go to church is always rewarding and I find that it is really meaningful to attend services. I am truly blessed in that way! While visiting my sister Suemae in Japan, we went to her church and that itself was a journey. It really shows that when you love God, you will go great lengths to please Him. Of course, I think SM didn't have much of a choice being assigned to a church in the heart of Tokyo. I think it was about one and half hour journey from the time she step out her door.

I reminisce my church serving days. Being a christian it is important that you serve, it is actually a commandment that you serve and I hardly do it now. I enjoy playing music and singing for God. The good looking guy was playing the guitar today. He sings very well too. I can remember the names of the rest of his family but not his, a little sad. Anyways, thats not the point.

The point is that because of serving in church by either playing the guitar or back up singing (I tried worship leading a few times), I had the opportunity to dabble with other musical instruments like bass guitar and drums. And my love for music grew at a greater rate during those time. I know I'm crap at the piano and dare not play that in church (not that I didn't try). Sometimes I feel as if by playing in church I will be miraculously bestowed the talent to play very well. It didn't happened as I envisaged but many in church inspired me to play even though I'm not the best musician around. I really miss those times.

Pastor Matthew's message on John 6 was appropriate for my contemplation today.

My afternoon was then spent in Seaton Park supporting James on his 50 mile bike ride round the park raising funds for his Tearfund trip to Rwanda this summer. Due to the weather and other reasons, he managed to complete 30 miles which was really good I would say. I don't think I could do that all in a day. We also had bbq in the park. We had to cover up the burn patch since it is not allowed to bbq on the grass.

It was a beautiful sunny day with strong breezes. Not long the wind brought in the gray coulds and rain/drizzle.

We then disperse and ended up going to Frances's flat to clean up the wash shed for Lisa's furniture - long story. It was good though. Nice people. They were from James's church. It was nice spending time with them. Weird but nice. Weird cos I didn't really know them and help out cleaning (possibly on a cleaning streak - cleaning other people's stuff). They did invite me to go watch Spidy (as Ning calls it) but I had to politely turn down cos SH and I are going to watch it. But boys will be boys. Given the chance to destroy, they will deliver.

All in all it was a day well spent.

I saw this really cool group of BMW bikes today. I wonder will I ever get a motorbike license and own my very own BMW superbike?

I do enjoy watching foreign films. Another reminiscing: watching foreign films in GSC Mid Valley. Not that I had watched a lot of foreign films there but I think foreign films seemed like art films to me, maybe cos I don't understand that much of the language.

Watching C.R.A.Z.Y. on Film Four just now. Its in Québécois French. So far so good, maybe because its foreign. ;P By the way, C.R.A.Z.Y. = Christian, Raymond, Antoine, Zac and Yvan.

It's driving me crazeee.... How do you stop a freezer from squeeking/buzzing?!

anxiety

Anxious... anxious...

Something is bothering me. Did I did it right? Was it good enough? Is it going to be okay? I want to know! I want it badly! Urrrgghh...

Anxious.. anxious...

Maybe it won't be that bad. I hate this period of waiting. Its not helping the anxiety. Urrggh...

Maybe it is A-okay. I shouldn't be so worried.

Anxious... anxious...

Is this meant to be?

Gosh!!!

Yeah, maybe it wouldn't be that bad.

The long walk to Manchurian did me some good. Gave me a lot of time thinking. It won't be that bad... I hope. Fingers and toes crossed.

Before I met Keith and Harry I was over anxious. Anxiety building up. I thought to myself, if SH can do it while he was miles away, I can do it too. Spoke to SH about it - we are the same, before: anxiety; after that okay: probably 'Just Do It!' Then I met Keith and Harry. They were really nice.

Anyways, had a good supper at Manchurian and just got back. Thought I let this off so that I can go to bed. Good food, good fellowship. Alcohol helps a little... Nah, not tonight, I was drinking quite sensibly. The karaoke helped. Did it? Hmmm... Note to self, better buck up on my chinese. Couldn't read half the words, hence can't sing most of it. Damn!

Keith will be here in less than five hours time. I think I will just sleep on the couch and have the duvet over my head. He will let himself in. Let me have a good lie in. Its been a while.

Anxious... anxious...

When will it go away? Give me good news pleeeaaassee...

Drink log: three double vodka orange