disturbed

I’m disturbed.

It is first thing in the morning. I feel rough. Not that I had much to drink the night before. Heck, I don’t even think it was alcohol related.

Anyways.

I’m disturbed.

I open easily to anyone.

When I was young, I was known to be able to chat with perfect strangers. I guess it was one of the earliest childhood memories that I can recall.

Now, I still strike a conversation with strangers. But I guess with age, experience, society norm and behaviour, I tend to tread a little more carefully.

The point I’m getting to is that I open easily. I can speak about almost everything. From everything under the sun to things that are very personal to me, things that most people keep to themselves and not share.

I don’t know why. Sometimes I think when speaking to stranger it is easier to pour out as they don’t really know you so they won’t judge you. Perhaps.

So speaking about everything of myself and life.

In some ways I’m not expecting people to agree with everything I say. I know I can take criticism. Yet, I know at the same time if I share something and gets a negative feedback, I often felt as I’ve been shot down.

Perhaps it is selective listening acceptance. It’s like some things some people say I can accept and maybe the same thing that is said by someone else I can’t.

I know very well it is just me shutting people out when things like this happens. Things like ‘I know what I’m doing, don’t tell me what to do’ or ‘relax, I know what I’m doing, don’t give me negative feedback’.

And I know very well when things like this happen, I won’t share with the same person again. Not if that person is really close to me, not if that person I’m always comfortable with speaking whatever and listening to whatever feedback.

Selective acceptance I’m sure.

It is when things like this happens, I shut myself away. Never to bring up or share anything close with the person again. It has happened time and again. It is not good.

Blatantly, it is a matter of me not being able to accept and move on. But have you ever had the feeling that it is pointless explaining?

That is how I feel.

Perhaps it is just me. It is just me I know.

But life is like that ain’t it?

You don’t get everything that you want.
You don’t get everything that you think you want.
You don’t get everything that you think should go a certain way.

It’s hard.

I’m drained thinking about this. I should let go.

Better go prepare myself. I have an appraisal in a moment.